In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
