Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
