I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
