goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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