You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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