so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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