I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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