Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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