i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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