Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
