I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
