If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
