i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
