i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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