i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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