Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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