yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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