broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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