from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
