Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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