There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
