That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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