All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
