I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
