We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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