I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
