i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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