My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
