this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
