Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
