I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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