Sponge bath it is.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
