I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
