Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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