So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
