Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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