Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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