Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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