I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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