I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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