apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
