Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
