Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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