So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
