I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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