All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
