Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
