is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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