how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
