When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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