His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
