So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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