The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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