i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
