I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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