I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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